True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
