i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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