Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She announced her abortion via fbk
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
