You smell like a Billy Joel song
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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