I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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