When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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