He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
