i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
