Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
