At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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