Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
