I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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