If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
