It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
