Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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