I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
