Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
