dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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