my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
