In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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