"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
