No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
