When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
