i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
