I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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