Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
