yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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