My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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