he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
