I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize