there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
