yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
