I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
