Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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