I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
They should really pass out barf bags in church
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
