I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
