last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
