Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
