she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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