direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize