i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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