New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
