Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize