Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
