I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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