The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
