I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
