she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
