It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
