Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
