sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You're like the curious george of whores
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
