Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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