First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
