Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
