I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
