I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
