May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
