The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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