Do you still have your period?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
