I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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