Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
