i permit you to call me
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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