Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
