Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
