I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize