i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
